


The Great British Bake Off (But Voltron)

by Philotes_1



Category: The Great British Bake Off RPF, Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, Originally Posted Elsewhere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:02:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28760724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Philotes_1/pseuds/Philotes_1
Summary: The paladins of Voltron must face their greatest challenge yet when they find themselves mysteriously transported onto the set of the beloved and charming television series "The Great British Bake Off".Will there be patisserie?Will there be murder?Both are equally as likely.I've decided to christen my new AO3 account with a fic I posted on Wattpad a while back. I don't remember writing most of this but please read and enjoy! :-)
Relationships: Me/UtterInsanity
Comments: 6
Kudos: 4





	1. A Delightful Introduction

A bright white tent stood shining like a beacon upon a lush English meadow. Then a charismatic yet British female voice filled everyone's ears:

"Greetings, and welcome to this season of the Great British Bake Off, where we take some of Britain's best amateur bakers and measure their culinary chops. Now this season we have a very special group of contestants. They came all the way from space just to be here."

The parade of brightly dressed space people picked their way across the field and into the tent. Their heads spun and the numerous questions they threw at the camera crew were met with polite British smiles which revealed nothing.   
They were shuttled into the tent and placed behind cooking stations.

"Alright" yelled Keith explosively "enough of this" he pulled out his black Bayard but it didn't change into a sword. He looked at it confused.

Lance swiveled around "What's going on? What is this place?"

Sue's jolly voice boomed from the front of the tent. "Welcome contestants! To the Great British Bake Off! I'm sure you are all anxious to get cracking (like eggs) but first it's time to meet your judges. Professional bakers Paul Hollywood and Marry Berry."

A man and a women stepped into the tent, breezing past the decoration Union jacks. They radiated power. Voltron shivered, these strange people were not to be trifled with.

"Good morning" said Paul Hollywood bringing his palms together.

"For your signature bake I would like you to make a pastry with filling. It can be sweet or savory as long as the out side is crisp and the filling is contained."

"And of course-" gently added Marry Berry "No soggy bottoms."

Hunk gasped "Guys, guys, I think we're on that British cooking show, you know the one that everyone likes because it's all calm and everyone is nice to each other."

The gang still looked baffled except for Keith who nodded his head. He knew exactly what Hunk was talking about.

"You know" Hunk smiled "This could actually be kinda nice right? We can take a break from everything trying to kill us and bake! With real non goo ingredients!"

"It's true" chimed in Mel " No one here eats goo"

"We have been under a lot of stress lately team" said Shiro "It might be nice way for the team to bond"

Now that what they were doing had been given the title of bonding and Shiro was officially on board Pidge began to devise plans. "I want to be on Hunk's team" she called out.

"What?!" Yelled Lance "No fair! I want to be on Hunk's team!!!"

"Sorry Bakers" interjected Sue "There are no teams here. Each contestant competes by themselves."

Everyone who had been about to shout out their devotion to Hunk shrunk down. Hunk smiled flattered. "Sorry guys"

The members of voltron were coerced back to their baking stations.

LETS GET BAKING


	2. The Signature Bake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Are you a ready spaghetti?

"NO KEITH! DONT DO IT!!!"

Keith picked up the knife and hurled it at Paul Hollywood's head. Paul Hollywood reached out and with divine energy plucked it from mid air. 

"Are you sure about adding sesame seeds to your pastry dough Keith ?" He asked, eyes glowing with the infinite power of the cosmos. The knife resting between his fingers began to steam and melt.

"Don't anger him!!" Screamed Coran whilst hastily stirring his gooseberry filling.

It was twenty minutes into the technical challenge and things were already heating up in the kitchen.

Off to the left of Keith, Lance screamed as he threw a whisk up at the lump of dough that had become adhered to the roof of the tent.

Sue hovered next to Allura as she worked and chatted.   
"I see you've elected to go for a savory dish. That's very bold, you are the only contestant so far who's decided to use mushrooms."

Allura picked up one of the beige squishy things she had been chopping. "So is that what you call these?" She inquired. "Do I need to cook them?"

Sue raised her eyebrows "Well it's certainly up to you dear, but most people do."

Allura nodded and began to preheat her oven to 3000 degrees Celsius.

Behind her Pidge was measuring our sticks of rhubarb. "I've decided to go with rhubarb and strawberries, my family and I used to get it in pie form at the diner down the block from our school. Also it's going to look like a rocket ship... because I like rocket ships. The only competition I'm really worried about is Hunk, I was slightly concerned about Allura and Coran at first but then I remembered they have no idea what people food is."

Pidge happily gazed off at Allura rolling her mushroom slices around in powdered sugar and Coran throwing a piece of raw chicken at the the side of the refrigerator. "Yep" said Pidge "I'm feeling pretty safe"

Shiro stared directly into one of the cameras as he heated a carrot up in his glowing laser hand. "This isn't cheating"

Lance caught the dough lump as it plummeted from the ceiling and slammed it back on to the table. 

"How the heck did you get that thing stuck to the ceiling?" asked Keith skeptically

"I was trying to toss it like in the papa johns commercial!" Snapped a stressed Lance

"But we're not making pizza."

"I know that Keith! I've never made a stuffed pastry before and I don't understand how the British think they are in a cultural position to judge other people's cooking ability."

Keith poured some water into his gooey dough and continued to stir it. He glared at Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry. What were these people? Keith dipped some apple sliced into the batter and threw them in a pan. Apple was a filling right? He shook the thought off. He didn't care about this anyway he was just killing time until he got out of this hell scape.

"Hey Lance what temperature are you putting your oven on?"

"Oh I remember this, it's 350, that was the temp we made Veronica's cake at." Lance tasted some of his dough he had been kneading then spat it out. "Yep that's definitely raw"  
Keith plugged 350 into the oven and shoved his creations in.

Allura knelt next to her oven. "It doesn't seem like it's getting hot enough" inside her oven a small electrical fire burned. She sighed and put her pastries in then stood up and peered around as she wiped the powdered sugar off her fingers.

"How are you doing Coran?" She asked   
as Coran wrestled with a slippery piece of chicken. "Wonderful princess!" He called. No one really knew what Coran was making. We think it might be an Altain dish but he kept putting things in the freezer.

In the midst of this hectic flurry of misguided cooking attempts Hunk's station stood as a lone pillar of flavor. Something that actually smelled like food emanated from his oven. He had used interesting and legit flavor combinations as well as actual spices. The other paladins stared in jealousy at Hunk's station. A twinkle glinted in Marry Berry's eye.

TWO MINUTES SPACE BAKERS START PLATING


	3. Judging-Part 1 (Is this food?)

The seven contestants stood upright looking at the judges or at their creations. Paul Hollywood sidled up to Lance's station.

"What is it that you've made today Lance?"  
"I uh made this dough and I put cheese inside. I call it.. Cheesy awesome Voltron...things"   
All the cheese had leaked out of the slightly smoking blackened balls.

"I don't know why they look like that and I blame Keith."

Keith glowered over his also burnt up sesame seed apple slices. Paul Hollywood picked up the rock solid dough ball and banged it against the table top. His eyes hardened with anger and a deep sense of disappointment.

"What temperature did you cook these at?"

"I baked them at 350!" Exclaimed lance  
From the back of the tent came Pidge's maniac laughter. "That's 662 degrees Fahrenheit!"  
Lance's eyes widened. "Oooh"

"I don't know what to make of this." Said Paul Hollywood, clearly disgusted. He and Mary Berry also acknowledged Keith's dish with only a head shake. Underneath the table Keith balled his fists.

Then they moved to Pidge and Hunk's work stations. Merry Berry cut one of Pidge's little rocket ship pies in half and examined the red filling. "What a lovely color!" She exclaimed. "Such an inventive design"

Paul Hollywood examined the filling inside picking though it with a fork.

"I see you included the leaves of the rhubarb plant in your dish, which are actually poisonous."

Pidge pushed up her glasses. "Oh haha really is that so?"

Whilst making direct eye contact with Pidge Paul Hollywood swallowed the entire pastry whole. For a moment he glowed with an unspeakable cosmic power. Then the moment subsided and the judges walked away.  
Pidge turned and looked at Hunk her eyes as wide as diner plates. "What the quiznak just happened?"

"I have no idea and I'm terrified." He whispered out of the corner of his mouth.

"Well don't these just look delightful" remarked Mary upon seeing Hunk's creation.  
His ginger crust and zesty lemon filling impressed both Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood. "Look here" said Paul as he lifted up one of Hunk's crescent pastries and scraped the bottom with a fork. "No soggy bottom"  
Hunk glowed with pride. "Thanks, after traveling around space so much it feels kinda nice to cook earth food. Although some of that purple fruit from that moon we visited would of gone really well in my tart."

Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood approached Coran's station and stared down at the amalgamation of raw meat, mashed gooseberries and black peppercorns cemented together with frozen milk.

Coran saluted the judges as they poked at his bake without putting it in their mouths.   
"Oh quiznak" remarked Coran "I hope the bottoms aren't soggy"  
Paul Hollywood stared into Corans eyes with his metal piercing gaze.   
He extended his hand.

He and Coran shook hands.   
Off the the side Mel and Sue gasped.   
"A handshake?"

"Congratulations on presenting the most disgusting thing that has ever been created in this kitchen" remarked Paul with genuine awe in his voice.

"Thank you sir" cheerily replied Coran   
Paul Hollywood pointed at the raw chicken bites and the plate levitated a few feet into the air then imploded. He had banished them to the fire dimension where they could do no harm to this British kitchen.

They moved on to Allura's station. Her plate had a blackened smudge on it. Most of her station was seriously charred.   
"Where is your pastry?"

Allura smiled awkwardly. "Well it seems to have evaporated"

"Oh dear" sighed Mary "It seems we learned a valuable lesson here"

"Better luck next time" said Paul politely. They moved to the last contestant. Shiro.

The judges carefully prodded his pastry, examining the the work of the crust.

"Please just eat it before my soul escapes my body" he murmured

"Pardon?" Exclaimed Mary

"I mean I hope you like it"

Paul Hollywood lifted one up and swallowed it whole. "The ingredients in your crust were over incorporated. Maybe don't melt the butter beforehand next time so that you have a light and crispy pastry crust"

Shiro sighed. Marry Berry and Paul Hollywood returned to the front of the tent. Sue and Mel took their places next to them. It was time now, for the technical challenge.


	4. The Technical Challenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hell yeah!

"Alright bakers!" Exclaimed Mel, bringing her hands together before her "It's now time for the technical challenge, this is Paul's recipe today so you are in for a special treat"  
Paul Hollywood's eyes glinted with a murderous sheen causing the Paladins to let out a collective gulp.

"Now it's time for Paul and Mary to leave the tent so we can begin the challenge"  
"Why are they leaving the tent?" whispered Pidge  
No one knew.

"For the technical challenge Paul would like you to make a Baked Alaska, it must be cold and wintery in the inside but golden brown and crisp on the outside"

"Wait!" protested Pidge "It's boiling in here from the oven fire Allura started!"

"We can't work with ice cream in a room this hot!" Seconded Hunk.

This was true, the fire that had consumed Allura's baking station had made the room rather warm. Although several of the interns were beating it with Union Jack patterned rugs and managing to keep it from spreading the temperature of the tent had still skyrocketed.   
Allura has been forced to shift forward one station since her old one was now unusable.   
"Then it looks like today will be a real test of your baking ability. I wish you extra good luck bakers"

"This is insane" acutely noted Keith, but everyone else was already scrambling to read the recipe and pull out mixing bowls.  
"These instructions are rather vague" Allura proclaimed as she paged through them.   
"That's part of the challenge" said Sue "You must use your baker's intuition to figure out how much of each ingredient you should use"  
"But I've never made this sort of food before!"  
On his way to the fridge Hunk began instructing Coran and Allura

"Alright, baked Alaska is a cake with layers of ice cream in between layers of cake. Then the whole thing is covered in a mixture of whipped egg whites and sugar and put in the oven until golden brown."

From across the tent it could be heard Lance shriek "We HAve tO pUT iCe CreAM IN tHe OvEn?!

Hunk grabbed a carton of milk and ran back to his station. Allura and Coran looked at each other. "What exactly is ice cream?"  
As Shiro was passing by, carrying a carton of eggs and rubbing his head, he quickly elaborated: "It's what milkshakes are made of."  
The Altains now knew what he meant, they had sampled milkshakes granted to them from their lovely friend Kultinecker.

With this knew found knowledge they squinted suspiciously at the cartons of milk.  
"That came out of a pink meat tentacle" whispered Coran

"I miss the castle's food goo" Allura whispered back

Shiro was stirring the mixture that would soon be his icecream when it was properly cooled in the machine. Years of flight school, extraterrestrial gladiatorial battles, and being a kindergarten teacher *ahem* sorry, being the leader of the Voltron paladins had not prepared him very well for the nuances of icecream production. Despite this, he was pretty sure what he was making would at least taste good and was far more concerned with what was going on at Keith's station.

"Keith? Do you need any help?"  
"No!" Keith yelled back as he used his blade of maurmora to scrape a layer cake from a pan.   
"Are you following the recipe?"

Without saying a word Keith held up a blackened and smoking piece of paper.   
Everything flammable within a two meter radius of Allura's previous oven was spontaneously combusting. With the temperature inside the tent it was essential for the bakers to give their icecream as long as possible to set.

Pidge sat in front of her oven, rocking back and forth. Her icecream was in the machine, her cakes in the oven. The orange light of the fire glinted off the corner of her glasses. She reached in and tapped the gooey tops of her cakes. "Why are they so flat?"  
Pidge scanned through her recipe again then at the ingredients she had left out.

"QUIZNAK! I forgot the baking powder!"  
She shot up. "I have to restart my cakes!" The green paladin slammed a baking pan down on the counter.

"Good luck Pidge!" Hunk called over to her. He sat patiently on the ground staring at his icecream machine. He saw Shiro sitting crosslegged on the ground at his own station and shot him a thumbs up. Shiro looked up and smiled, giving Hunk a thumbs up as well.   
"At least one of us knows what they're doing." Shiro thought.

Gradually, one after another, each member of Voltron joined them, sitting on the ground at the edge of their stations. They glanced between each others faces and their ovens and their ice cream machines.

Sue turned and smiled at the camera, "the calm before the storm"

As the friends looked encouragingly at one another, drawing strength from the bond they had formed over so many missions together Sue cupped her hands around her mouth.

"30 MINUTES BAKERS!!!"

All at once everyone shot up and took off. They tipped cakes onto dishes and scooped icecream out of the machines.

"My icecream is too runny!" Complained Keith   
"Mine is too dense" retorted Pidge. "Where is the microwave?"

Lance cracked eggs into a bowl. "There are none I checked." He was feeling a sense of satisfaction at the fact that everything was going smoothly thus far with his baked Alaska.   
He read the next step. "Whip egg whites into stiff peaks"   
He peered down at the yellow yolks floating around in the bowl. "Quiznak"

The loud sound of buzzing soon consumed the tent as everyone started to make their meringues. Coran was loudly trying to get Mel to tell him where eggs came from. Lance had several egg yolks cupped in his hand and was trying to offer them to Allura. Pidge was making plans to deconstruct her Kitchen aid and somehow turn it into a weapon. Keith couldn't find his spatula. Hunk was talking to his meringue. Shiro was wondering why he had two spatulas.

"FIFTEEN MINUTES!!"

Lance slathered his cake and icecream layers in meringue. "Jesus take the wheel!!" He screamed and was the first to shove his icecream cake in the oven. Hunk soon followed suit, he had taken the time to pipe his meringue into swirls. Allura had written the word 'delicious' across her meringue in Altain in order to subliminally influence the judges and decorated it with little flowers. The remaining paladins took deep breaths and put their delicate cakes in the oven. After only a few minutes Pidge gave in.

"I can't take this anymore" she pulled her barely browned cake out of the oven. "Ice cream doesn't belong in ovens" she declared and ushered her cake to the freezer. Keith, who had been having the most issues with his cake melting quickly relented as well, as trickles of vanilla filled the bottom of his pan. Then went Shiro, then Coran, then Hunk, then Lance, then Allura. They all shoved their cakes into the overflowing freezers.

Keith searched around for ice.  
Sue fell into step next to him. "Now what are you looking for with only five minutes left in the game?" She chirped cheerily   
"Ice"   
He found a bag of ice and sprinted back to his freezer. The red paladin flung open the door.

"Where's my cake?"

Everyone else was busily tending to their work.

"Where's my cake?"

He spun around, searching the tent. Then he spotted it. Just sitting out in a puddle on the tabletop.

Sue stood behind him, shifting from foot to foot. "Keith- Keith don't panic, don't do any thing rash" Keith ran over to his melted Baked Alaska. "It's ruined"

"It's alright" said Sue "You can, you can put it back in the freezer, we have the ice, let's quickly-"

But Keith could not be consoled. Allura looked up and gasped, bringing her hands to her mouth. The other paladins took notice as well and a startled hush fell over the tent.

Keith picked up his Baked Alaska and began to circle his table.

Sue ran after him. "Wait a second, no don't!-" she tried to stop him but was not quick enough. Keith dumped his Baked Alaska into the trash bin and stormed out of the tent.

"Oh no Keith.." whispered Hunk quietly. The contestants circled the trash bin and peered in at Keith's cake with a mourning look in their eyes.

"What happened?" Inquired Shiro  
"Some one took his cake out of the ice box" replied Allura in a low voice.  
Lance's eyes went as wide as saucers. "That was his cake?"  
"It was you!" Exclaimed Pidge   
"Mine wouldn't fit!"

"BAKERS! You must plate now! Paul and Mary are coming."  
The paladins looked up at the front of the tent. There was a long table with a picture of each of them. They brought their cakes up to their pictures.

Hunk looked at Mel and Sue "How did you get these photos of us? Who took a picture of me sleeping? This is weird."

Shiro examined his picture. "This isn't even me; this is a my clone"

Lance set down his cake. "Why is mine a drawing and why am I wearing a flower crown and why is Keith in the background?"  
Mel shrugged. "Tumblr"  
"What?"

The Paladins were made to set down their precious cakes and stand in a line several steps back. Keith could be seen out the window of the tent, sulking next to a herd of sheep. One of the interns left to go retrieve him.

It's judging time folks


	5. Judging- Part 2

"Let's hope these cakes are as frosty as Paul Hollywood's gaze"

Most of the cakes in the line were accompanied by sizable milky puddles. Shiro's had a noticible leaning tower of Pisa esc tilt. Mary and Paul glided into the tent. "Let's see what we have here" "oh, oh dear"

"We have some er- melting" observed Mel with a sympathetic glance torwds the bakers. The yellow and blue paladins were whispering among each other. Keith was sitting on the table with his arms crossed, glaring at the judges. Pidge was wheezing slightly from inhaling so much smoke from the electrical fire.

Speaking of the electrical fire, the interns had finally managed to put it out. The cooking station was blackened and smoldering. The interns were now treating each other's burns with blue medical tape.

The judges observed the first cake. They did not know who's cake they were judging and would rank them from worst to best. Allura brought her knees up to her chest when she saw them examining her cake.

"Interesting design, very neat." Noted Mary Paul squinted suspiciously at the designs on the cake. "I don't trust that, it's hiding something." He cut into it.  
The cake collapsed in on itself. As the judges noted, it had structural issues due to the icecream not being properly set and the cake batter not being stirred enough.

Pidge and Lance did similarly, they were sited for not sealing their meringue properly causing the icecream to melt, however their cakes were good. "Moist"

Shiro had burnt his meringue, whether from the oven or from accidentally igniting his glowing purple hand was currently unclear.

Hunks received a delighted review but at this point no one was particularly shocked about this. Paul Hollywood made a point to repeatedly return to Hunk's as a palate cleanser after tasting the others.

Coran's cake once again was not food, it was closer this time but was still clearly not food. A large contributing factor to this was that he had taken everyone's spare egg yolks and put them on top of his own creation. (The ones he didn't hold on to)

Then came Keith's. An empty place on the table, the whisper of what could have been. A baked Alaska -in the bin.   
"Perhaps he could have won" whispered Allura   
But we are not what we perhaps are. We dream of greatness, of perfection, of satisfaction and yet when we open our eyes are we not still trapped within the confines of our mortal form? Cut off from the dreamer's world of what could be. But what are we? Are we we or we all that our dreaming selves can be?

"It's in the bin" accurately observed Paul. "I can't eat it if it's in the bin. That one's last place."  
"I'm sure it would of been delightful." Offered Marry.

"Alright, let's rank them now"  
"Number seven is this one"  
Keith raised his hand with the measured anger that burns inside the center of a star.

"Number Six"  
Coran

"Number Five"  
Shiro

"Number Four"  
Allura

"Number Three"  
Pidge

"Number Two"  
"Really?! Yess!!" "Wait a go lance" One of the producers walked up to Lance. "Oy are you the one who keeps muttering all those vines to himself under his breath"

"Possibly-"

"Well can you cut it out it's messing up our footage, we have to edit around all that you know?"

Pidge swiveled her head around to stare into the camera lense

The producer shook a finger at her. "You too! That's the fifth time you've done that an' I've had a-bloody-nough"

"And number one would be this one"  
Hunk cheerily raised his hand.

A polite applause followed.

"Congratulations bakers. Next up is the showstopper round!"


	6. The Show Stopper

Mel and Sue, living beacons of all that is cheery and British and pure in this world stood before our seven wary contestants at the front of the tent.

"Good morning bakers!" Called Sue, despite the fact that time didn't really exist in this alternate pastry dimension. "For your show stopper challenge today Paul and Mary would like you to make a biscuit tower. You may use any flavor of biscuit as long as they are crisp, and your tower must be several stories and self supported. I simply cannot wait to see your creations"

"Ready?"  
"-Set?"  
"Bake!"

The members of Voltron looked around at each other for a moment before fracturing apart, each spiraling separate ways after flour and milk and sugar and whatever else is in biscuits. Lance whispered to himself. "There are flavors of biscuits? What are the different flavors of biscuits? Is mint a flavor? Like mint Oreos? Do people like mint Oreos or is it just me because Hunk said they taste like they're full of toothpaste but I didn't think they did, do they? Keith said he's never had Oreos but does he mean that or did he just say that to sound cool? Oh no! Does liking mint Oreos make me not cool?"

"Lance please calm down." said Allura, as she stood next to him measuring out ingredients. 

"Sorry Princess, it's just these challenges have me really stressed out and I don't want to lose now that I got second place in the last round."

"Hmm" thought Allura "I wonder what happens to those who lose."

Sue materialized behind them. "The baker who Marry and Paul decide preformed the weakest must leave the show."

"We didn't even ask to be on the show!" protested Lance, with a sudden overwhelming protective urge to not ever leave the show.

On the other side of the tent, while Pidge and Keith were having a low conversation as they stirred their respective gooey biscuit batters, Paul Hollywood was interrogating Shiro over his baking methodology. Shiro lit his glowing purple hand and pressed against a sheet of dough that he had flattened. They stared directly at each other in a gridlock of fierce will, a super-soldier versus a god in his human form. Then the moment broke like Coran's finger when he shut it in the refrigerator door and Paul Hollywood asked Shiro why he chose that particular sized nozzle for his icing bag. Shiro remarked that he wasn't using a nozzle. Paul Hollywood chuckled at the human's stubbornness. 

Marry Berry and Hunk laughed over the plate of warm biscuits Hunk had removed from the oven, a purely delectable smell wafting up around Hunk's station. "You would absolutely love this planet we saved last week." Hunk told her. "There are entire orchards hundreds of years old they dedicate to fruit cultivation for their local pastries, I picked up a few recipes from them before we left, some of their techniques to get their dough so light and airy is totally genius."

"Is it now?" Marry remarked with a sweet smile. "You might want to get those on a cooling rack" she remarked with a wink, as she gestured at Hunk's plate.

"Oh my gosh you're right!" 

"What is Hunk doing?" asked Keith with a glance over his shoulder. "Why is he so happy?"

Pidge popped up next to him holding a coil from the oven. She passed it to Keith. "Hold this, I need to find something to act as a counterweight." 

Keith nodded and tucked the coil into a drawer. Coran ran past them both holding a bowl of lemons. He whisked past Lance, who was cursing as a biscuit he had propped up broke in half and collapsed the leg of his tower.

"Ten minutes bakers!"

Keith was sharpening his whisk, having already finished his crumbly biscuit tower. Allura was fretting over a drooping turret on the tower she had modeled after the castle ship. Allura's baking appeared to be steadily improving with each challenge, and while the material her creation was made of certainly wasn't biscuit, it did appear to be edible. Pidge ducked up from beneath her station to dust some powdered sugar on her tower before returning to the floor and ducking down to continue connecting her device to her bayard. Shiro piped some elaborate chocolate swirls onto his tower. He was finding this whole process strangely therapeutic. 

One of the film interns tripped over some of the lemons Coran had left on the floor. The intern who went to help him tripped over Lance who had laid down on the floor next to the lemons so he could scream into the ground. 

Hunk's tower wobbled slightly as he placed the last biscuit on top. Hunk held his breath. His engineering prowess came through and the tower settled into place. 

"Alright bakers that's time! Step back and let the judging begin!"

...


	7. The Boss Battle

"Bakers!" said Mary Berry with a cheery smile, "No matter who earns star baker today, I want you all to know I am incredibly proud of your effort and the improvement each and every one of you have shown. It makes me so happy to see a group of people so dedicated to their work and to each other."

"Wow." whispered Pidge out of the corner of her mouth to Hunk. "That was actually pretty heartwarming."

"I know. She's so nice right?" Hunk whispered back.

A sheep bleated outside. Paul Hollywood turned sharply and pointed at it with two fingers. It fell straight over onto its side and lay there very still. Hunk shivered involuntarily.

"Now Bakers it is time to judge your creations."

"Allura."

"Yes?"

Allura's biscuit tower was glossy and blue, her building material itself being a solid mass of sugar and flour she had melted together then broken into pieces and used frosting to glue into the desired shape. It was rather reflective, throwing lens flairs across the camera panning down it.

"What a very impressive design" noted Mary Berry and indeed it was. She herself did not taste any but Paul Hollywood bent over and with a ~crunch~ sounding much like glass breaking he took a bite out of the top.

"It needs a bit of salt to offset the sweetness." said Paul after he had finished chewing the shards.

Marry Berry and Paul Hollywood approached the next station, Lance's. His was quite creative, using layers of chocolate biscuit and bright green mint filling to create a striped spire of baked goods. The judges sampled his creation.

"Interesting." Conceded Paul Hollywood. "But the filling reminds me a bit of tooth paste in all honesty."

A distant hollowness filled Lance's eyes.

"But I really like the texture of your biscuit. Alright who's next?"

Pidge was next. She had constructed a squat colosseum inspired biscuit creation. Her biscuits had a nice snap but their flavor was bland.

Keith followed her. He was determined not to get to emotionally attached, his hand rested on his bayard throughout the entire judging. His tower was slouching and structurally unsound but his bold flavor combinations made up for it.

Hunk went next. Hunk was perfect of course. I don't even need to describe it to you it was just perfect.

The judges approached Shiro's station. A cinnamon biscuit tower decorated with lavish swirls of dark chocolate. "What growth you've shown as a contestant." admired Mary Berry, both judges were happy with his biscuit tower.

The final station to be judged was Coran's. Bursted egg yolks slimed up the floor. It was 10 degrees colder here as he had left the freezer door open. A squirrel had wandered in. The judges gasped, Coran had created the improbable – nay!– the impossible. The perfect French macaron. The meringue cookies airy, light, crips, delicate, ripe, perfectly cooked, sitting there like a jewel, such craft! Such dazzling perfection! The meringue! Oh! How it danced upon the cookie with such amiability! Such grace! It was art! It was true art!

Sue and Mel became misty eyed in pure awe as they beheld Coran's French Macaron.

"It's sublime." Mary Berry told Coran.

"It's not a biscuit tower." said Paul Hollywood.

"But wait!" cried Mel, unable to watch such talent go unrecognized, "Is a macaron, being two meringue biscuits stacked atop each other, technically a biscuit tower?"

"We will have to discuss this." Paul replied.

Him and Mary Berry were led off to a secure location. In eleven minutes they returned, and announced that on a technicality, Coran had made a biscuit tower.

The paladins broke into cheers. The man operating Camera C openly wept with joy.

"Now" said Sue. "It is time for Paul and Marry to make the very difficult decision of who will become star baker and who must leave."

As some of the cameras left to follow Mary and Paul, Lance leaned over to Keith. "You hear that?" he whispered "They're going to decide who is star baker and who is star faker."

"That will be our chance to strike."

"What?!"

The members of Voltron formed a huddle.

"Alright team." said Shiro. "As much fun as we all had today, we can't let them try to divide us based on our baking abilities."

Pidge adjusted her glasses."We appear to be in some sort of unstable inter-dimensional space pocket, if we leave here without protection we could become lost in between dimensions."

"Our lions have quantum stabilizing devices that could get us out of here." said Hunk "You know, if we ever want to leave."

Shiro glanced to the front of the tent. "I'm worried about this Paul Hollywood character, whoever he is and however he is keeping us here, he is immensely powerful."

Keith's grip tightened on his deactivated bayard. "We can take him Shiro."

Shiro sighed. "Sadly it looks like that's what we're going to have to do."

Allura nodded in grim agreement.

They had not their weapons, but they still possessed their spirit.

....

"Bakers!" called Mel. "It is now my absolute honor to announce who has won the title of star baker today."

She looked around at the paladins and smiled.

"This week's star baker will be–"

Dramatic pause.

Dramatic pause.

Zooms in on Lance

Zooms in on Hunk

Zooms in and out and in again on Coran

"Hunk! Congratulations!"

Polite applause broke out across the tent.

"Hunk" Said Paul Hollywood "Your flavors were no less than excellent, and out of every competitor your performance was the most consistent throughout the challenges."

Hunk grinned "Wow, this is amazing. Thank you."

"Now." Sue lamented "It is my unfortunate task to announce who will not be staying with us. I want you all to know that I love and admire each and every one of you and this is no easy task for me."

Keith leaned over and whispered to whoever was closest, Allura and Pidge, "We go during the dramatic pause."

They nodded, and passed it on the best they could.

"The one who will be leaving the show is–"

Dramatic pause.

Dramatic pause.

Keith spun his sharpened whisk around in his hand and hucked it. It soared just past Paul Hollywood's right ear. Pidge pulled out the explosive that Hunk had helped her finish from the proofing drawer. Shiro lit up his glow hand.

"You dare squabble with me mortal!?" shouted Paul Hollywood, eyes glowing. "You shall taste defeat as unsavory as a cake made with salt instead of sugar!"

"What have you done?!" shouted Sue as the tent began to shake.

"Stand back!" shouted Allura to Mel and Sue, as she picked up her rock solid biscuit tower and swung it at Paul Hollywood's head. Paul Hollywood held out two fingers and the biscuit tower dissolved into a mist of powdered sugar particles. He could not be touched.

"I gotcha Pidge!" Hunk shouted as he slid down along the trembling floor next to her. He quickly helped her piece together the frayed wires. "You sure you're okay with this Hunk?" asked Pidge.

Hunk glanced back at his biscuit tower then forward again at Paul Hollywood. He nodded resolutely. "Let's do this."

Lance screamed and landed a solid shot on Paul Hollywood with a rolling pin. Coran stood several yards away, pulling egg yolks out of his pocket and throwing them at his target. Shiro went in for the killing blow with his laser hand.

"Now! While he's distracted!" whispered Hunk. Together he and Pidge threw the bomb at Paul Hollywood.

"Palidins fall back!" call Hunk.

Paul Hollywood tilted his head, the bomb froze in place mid air.

"I've had enough of this." said Paul. At once every member of Voltron levitated off of the ground, their arms clamped down to their sides. "What a weak performance" he told them sternly.

"Poor technique. Poor execution."

The entire tent started shaking, the walls, the tables, outside the sheep stumbled around. The tops of the stoves raged up in flame. Spikes of ice shot out of the freezer like spears. Flour dust on the floor swirled up around him like a tornado.

Voltron screamed in fear. The cloud expanded out, dense and pillowy. It threatened to envelope the space people. The flour whizzed by at speeds approaching 65 miles per hour. The end was nigh for Voltron. This would be it. Defeated by their greatest and most powerful enemy yet. Paul Hollywood.

"Just a moment." Mary Berry held up a hand.  
The flour froze and drifted to the ground revealing several knives hidden in the dust cloud that stood hovering in the air. The knives pointed straight at the throat of each member of Voltron.

"I have quite enjoyed the company of these bakers. I think they hold great culinary promise."  
Mary Berry winked at Hunk. A beam of sun burst through a cloud, shining through the tent and glinting off the dewy eyes of each paladin.

"I appreciate your input Mary." Said Paul Hollywood. The knives clinked to the ground.

Mary Berry hummed with energy. "We should spare them Paul. They are amusing."

Paul Hollywood glared at the Paladins with his piercing gaze. "On second thought Mary, I quite agree with you."

Mary Berry smiled and with a flick of her wrist the Paladins dropped to the floor, gasping. Mel and Sue helped them to their feet.

"You are permitted to leave together." Said Mary. "If that is what you wish."

"Thank you." Said Hunk. "Thank you Mary Berry. I'll never forget you."

The Lions swooped down and landed gracefully outside the tent, scaring the living daylights out of a flock of geese. Each lion knelt forward in a bow to Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry, then they laid down and opened their mouths so their companions could climb inside.

"We should go now." Said Shiro cautiously. "Before it's too late."

They raced over their lions. Shiro joining Keith in the Black lion and Coran joining Allura in the blue one. Lance cast a glance over his shoulder. The interns were sweeping up the weapons fragments on the ground. Although he had been forced against his will to compete in this tournament, now that it was over he couldn't help but feel like he had lost something sweet.

Sue nodded at him from the ground. Lance nodded back. He climbed into the cockpit. The lions took off into the pristine British air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that's that! Thanks for reading! I kinda stopped being a part of the Voltron fandom a while ago but I've discovered so much cool stuff on AO3 that I really wanted my first ever fan fic to be on here. I intend to write and post new stuff that I've grown into but I still really love those characters. 
> 
> Stay crispy!


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